EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I AM A CASE MANAGER!!!!!

Working and other life...

"Working and other life" is the title of this blog post, but really i just think, "WHAT other life!?"
It really seems like work dominates my life. Especially lately. So many people are taking their vacation time, that means that I will be working a lot more. Good for money I suppose.

But this overnight work is finally starting to get to me. I love my job. I love the kids. I even like the people I work with and the things I do, but my emotional balance and my overall physical health/appearence is just SHIT.

I am always depressed. If I am happy, its usually either overshadowed by depressing thoughts or I have this horrible crash.

I have gotten into fights with Kyle a few weeks in a row. I have cried unexpectedly. I have called my mom and done nothing but complained. I have been so sick with my appearence and weight gain, I don't eat. Until the evening comes around, and I reach a new level of sadness and I just binge.

The fact that I can't just take off totally fucking blows. I have truly grown up and entered the adult world. Tied to a desk. Working for a paycheck. Paying my bills and *trying* and unsuccessfully trying to save money. Throwing my money to that black hole of debt.

Alright. Typing all that out actually made me feel a little better.

Kyle is wonderful. He got me a pretty flower which is sitting in my room on my desk right now. In fact, I am so over emotional right now, I am getting teary eyed about how wonderful it is.

I don't know. I just want to take this case worker job and I just know, deep in my heart, I am not getting it. A supervisor position opened up at Panera and I didn't even KNOW about it till the last day of being posted. I want the TLP to just tell me they can't hire me and I want to go back to Panera. I could make so much more money there actually, working as a supervisor.

Okay. I lied.

I don't really want to work there. I just want a decent schedule.
I suppose I can stick this job out. It will be so good for me in the long run. And I do love it so much. It's just very very hard sometimes.

anyways. i suppose overall this whole week may look up. wednesday is my birthday. I would love to do a 14 mile day float trip, but easier said than done. kyle cant miss school. loren works. tesa works. cassie works. uuuuuhg. hopefully we can get people to show up for drinks later.

anyways, im getting off here for now. im just depressing myself.

conversations

Kat: the birds are starting to wake up
which always makes me feel better
I love it when they are awake and singing
gives me hope

me: lol. kathryn. youve changed

Kat: what?
you're full of shit

me: birds singing?
full of hope?
the fuck you talkin about

Kat: for real, they are
hope for THE END OF MY FUCKING SHIFT

me: ooooh
lol

Kat: is that better?

me: i was thinking hope of a new day
or something

Kat: hell no
i should have clarified

highs and lows

I have been getting these crazy highs and lows a lot. Mostly on the weekend. I think I try to compensate in my mind for working, so anything I like, I take that and times it by 100 and try to go off that while I am literally working 40 hours in 1weekend. But with so much downtime and little time spent around actual people, i just fuss over things, and no matter how I feel right before I get off work, sundays are always this huge disappointment.

does that make sense?

anyways. Friday morning i was told i pretty much have this day job (i really wanted it for so many reasons). i was literally told that. but i still tried not to get excited about it. i was supposed to hear back this weekend about setting up a formal interview... but thats just what it was. a formality. but then. 20 minutes before my shift gets over for the weekend, my boss calls and says they are interviewing a ton more people, and looking for someone with more expierence.

i was so crushed. i literally cried. i shut the door for 10 minutes and collected myself.

i love these kids so much, and maybe its a good thing i am not a case manager? maybe its good i can connect with them on a friend level more than someone policing their every mood.
but that still doesnt really make up for me wanting to learn more, undernstand how things work better, have more responsbility, and WAY more interaction with the kids on a daily basis.

i was excited totally siked for the hours (8-5... thats a real grown up job) but i could totally deal with it.

whatever.

im still giving the interview my best shot. but its hard to walk in, practically knowing you arent what they are looking for. why waste everyones time?

anyways. im super low right now, and its like, i have eaten nothing but shit.

tomorrow (technically today) will be (technically is) a new day. I will not end 23 being down in the dumps. Hello June.