Thursday, June 18, 2009

Working and other life...

"Working and other life" is the title of this blog post, but really i just think, "WHAT other life!?"
It really seems like work dominates my life. Especially lately. So many people are taking their vacation time, that means that I will be working a lot more. Good for money I suppose.

But this overnight work is finally starting to get to me. I love my job. I love the kids. I even like the people I work with and the things I do, but my emotional balance and my overall physical health/appearence is just SHIT.

I am always depressed. If I am happy, its usually either overshadowed by depressing thoughts or I have this horrible crash.

I have gotten into fights with Kyle a few weeks in a row. I have cried unexpectedly. I have called my mom and done nothing but complained. I have been so sick with my appearence and weight gain, I don't eat. Until the evening comes around, and I reach a new level of sadness and I just binge.

The fact that I can't just take off totally fucking blows. I have truly grown up and entered the adult world. Tied to a desk. Working for a paycheck. Paying my bills and *trying* and unsuccessfully trying to save money. Throwing my money to that black hole of debt.

Alright. Typing all that out actually made me feel a little better.

Kyle is wonderful. He got me a pretty flower which is sitting in my room on my desk right now. In fact, I am so over emotional right now, I am getting teary eyed about how wonderful it is.

I don't know. I just want to take this case worker job and I just know, deep in my heart, I am not getting it. A supervisor position opened up at Panera and I didn't even KNOW about it till the last day of being posted. I want the TLP to just tell me they can't hire me and I want to go back to Panera. I could make so much more money there actually, working as a supervisor.

Okay. I lied.

I don't really want to work there. I just want a decent schedule.
I suppose I can stick this job out. It will be so good for me in the long run. And I do love it so much. It's just very very hard sometimes.

anyways. i suppose overall this whole week may look up. wednesday is my birthday. I would love to do a 14 mile day float trip, but easier said than done. kyle cant miss school. loren works. tesa works. cassie works. uuuuuhg. hopefully we can get people to show up for drinks later.

anyways, im getting off here for now. im just depressing myself.

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